Mary Sue Saves the Day

Yet Another Haldir Story

Have you ever been in the Emerald Necklace? Wondering what that is? The absolute jewel of Cleveland, Ohio is the Metroparks system, the emerald necklace that surrounds Cleveland from East Side to West Side, fastened at each end on the shores of Lake Erie. It gets its moniker “Emerald Necklace” because it is green and beautiful in the spring and summer, plus it girdles the Cleveland area like a necklace would. Autumn isn’t a bad season either, with the leaves flaming their colors to all who pass by. Winter is winter, but a solid snowfall covers all blemishes and softens the hardness of the bare tree limbs.

Lots of deer live in the necklace, but you only get to see them if they are careless. Raccoons use the necklace as their base of operations for forays into neighboring backyards in search of unsecured garbage cans. Birds of all sorts; cardinals, robins, bluejays, sparrows, swallows, killdeer, quail, pheasant, and some I don’t know a thing about, live in the necklace. The necklace is a living oasis parked smack dab in the middle of urban and suburban chaos.

If you are on the West side of the necklace, you go down very steep roads into a valley carved by the Rocky River, which varies in its strength and power according to the season. There used to be fords over the river that flooded during storms and cut off the parkway traffic. Modern bridges have replaced that particular piece of the necklace’s charm. The valley itself is ringed by homes that have one of the most beautiful views in the Cleveland Metro area. Steep sided, almost impossible for humans to climb (easily anyway), the valley cuts you off from visible civilization, aside from the parade of vehicles that populate the parkway and the occasional highway bridge spanning the valley at what seems an impossible height. Yet a drive on the parkway is often an exercise in meditation and centering. How can you possibly experience road rage on such a beautiful stretch of asphalt?

Actually you can if it’s the middle of Sunday afternoon in the summer and people are crawling along looking for the picnic area that they are supposed to meet friends and family at. Which is why I took Gloria and RayJ down into the valley on a Monday morning for a drive and a walk beside the river. At least that was the plan. Did you know there really are spatial/temporal distortions? Or is it the other way around? Never mind, trust me, there are such things. Hang with me OK?

So there we were, starting with me in my blazing red Saturn SC1, complete with vanity plates (4ME), at the head of the caravan. The car has power windows and door locks, a sunroof, and a fairly strong sounding horn. Keep that part in mind OK? It’s important later. The car will go anywhere, anytime and holds tight curves at high (read 50+) speeds better than some of the pseudo muscle cars out there. Helps that it only has 120 horses so it isn’t over powered. I took on a chuckhole at Christmas, and only sheared the top right engine mount. Anybody else would have ripped up their undercarriage. Megabucks to repair. And before you laugh too hard, my car will outrun you at the end of the day because it is very thrifty with gas. Never underestimate a four cylinder. Got that?

Gloria is next in her red, aged Jeep Cherokee, which is equipped for life on the road, especially for the Scotsman. He is her twenty something, half blind, deaf, but very vocal cat. She calls him Scott, but he can’t hear that anymore. He goes wherever she goes, whenever she goes there. Have cat box and cat food; will travel. The back half of the Jeep is his kingdom. Gloria is a charming southern gal, who never met a stranger and makes more friends in a day than I can in a decade. She can smile and ooze wonderfulness in no time. Don’t let the charm fool you though. She isn’t a strawberry blonde for fun. The blonde probably tames the fire in the strawberry red. Good thing too. Trust me on this, OK?

Then comes RayJ, who is taking a break from his trip west. RayJ is one of those fortysomething guys who have a real love for auto gadgets. He has a Dodge 1500 with chrome bumpers, chrome wheel covers, and a souped up engine that makes those wild gurgling sounds. Every power option he can squeeze in, whether he needs it or not, along with a really cool set of headlights and body lights that race across the trim. Complete with one of those front end grids so you can push stuff without mangling your hood or bumpers. The truck has one of those mural paint jobs, honoring The Undertaker from the WWE. Lots of black and silver paint on this vehicle. Did I mention RayJ’s dogs? He has a Doberman named Max and a mini-pinscher named Willie. Wrap-around aviator sunglasses on a very thin, very tall, gray haired and bearded man, and that’s RayJ. Oh, and I should mention that he has a row of those horns on the top of his cab. Really intimidating sound comes out of there. Bust the eardrums in no time.

It’s very early in the morning on Monday, around 7:30, on a leaden summer day. I remember a day like this, back on Independence Day, 1969. A monster storm sat over Lake Erie and rumbled and flashed all day long, while the air just hung on you like a heavy, wet blanket. That night, just as folks got settled for the fireworks displays, the thing came alive and marched across the Lake and into Ohio, from Sandusky to Marblehead. It sat on, not over, us all night long and when the sun finally came up the next day, nearly 150 miles of lakefront had been rearranged, along with a lot of territory inland, up to twenty miles or so. Steven King could not have written a better nightmare than that storm. But I digress.

Like I said, here we are, toodling south along the parkway. Speed limit is 25, but I was doing 40 (RayJ’s truck was gurgling because that was too slow) and I am looking for the turnoff on the left, past Puritas Road to the parking area I wanted. I found it and we all pulled in and went way down and parked by a major walking path that I knew led by the Rocky River. Before I killed the engine I checked the local news station for the weather. I just didn’t like the look of that sky. Bad news came over the speakers; Tornado Watch. A line of thunderstorms to the west, about 45 minutes to an hour away. Of course they could speed up or slow down. I figured we were good for at least 30 minutes on the path itself. Assuming nothing was building up over our heads in the sky.

We climb out of our vehicles, RayJ leashes the dogs, and we start down this great path in the park. It is about fifteen feet wide, not gravelly, and the trees lining it reach up like cathedral arches and create this wonderful canopy way up high. The forest around you has all manner of green plants and flowers. It is so beautiful, so peaceful, and so shady, that you don’t know where the sun is or how high. You are finally free of civilization for a little while.

About ten minutes into the walk and there is this huge flash of light and a boom! like nothing I have ever heard. The three of us are diving for the dirt, certain that a bolt of lightning has just struck. Damn those storms! Nothing more happens, although Max is whimpering and Willie can’t decide if he wants to growl or whine. We slowly get up, brushing off the dust and dirt, when Gloria speaks up.

“Mary Sue, what the hell is that?” She is pointing down the path ahead of us.

I can’t believe my eyes. Not ten feet from us the path has abruptly ended, and the forest has changed appearance too. What’s more, the air is shimmering at the border of the change as if it were super heated. I have not a clue what has happened, but I do feel very uncomfortable with what I am seeing. In fact, while the three of us are standing there gaping, the shimmer effect is getting wider, and as it expands, the forest changes from what I know, to this new forest.

The new forest is green all right, but there are trees all over it with golden flowers. Nothing like that is in the necklace. The path has shrunk to one about a foot wide. It is totally different looking. Trust me OK? I put my hand out to the shimmer and actually touch it. It feels kind of hard and soft at the same time. My hand doesn't go through, but the shimmer seems to ripple where I touch it.

“What’s it feel like?” Gloria asked.

I shake my head. “I don’t know how to describe it.”

RayJ finally finds his voice. “What is it? Is it dangerous?”

I turn around to answer him, and there he stands, with a deathgrip on Willie, and Max on a very, very short leash. I could almost see his knees knocking. Fortunately that took my mind off of my knees, which wanted to knock very badly.

“I don’t know anything about it,” I answer. I am scared and curious at the same time, and looking at Gloria, I can see the same thing on her face.

“Maybe we should go back and call for someone to come see it,” she offers, and I nod agreement. After all, we left the cell phones locked in the cars, certain we wouldn’t need them.

So we turn around to go back, and that was our first mistake. There is a whine and I feel the whiz of something sailing past my left ear and thunking into the ground. It is the biggest, blackest arrow I have ever seen. I look back to see where it came from and here comes a group of the biggest, ugliest guys on the face of the earth. Some of them looked like Christmas Elves on steroids. Remember Saturday Night Live and "we're going to pump YOU up!" These guys were pumped alright. Arnie was all that was missing. They looked like they had rolled in tar, then put white paint on their faces and bodies. There were one or two that didn’t look, dare I say it, as ‘buff’ as their buddies, but I didn’t care. They were firing arrows and they were definitely shooting at us. I didn’t bother to count, it isn’t important. The sound of their howls and bellows is coming through the shimmer, and the dogs go absolutely nuts. Willie jumps out of RayJ’s arms, ready to rip off ankles, while Max is spinning in circles barking his head off. RayJ’s legs are twitching, but he isn’t going anywhere, and it is pretty clear we need to be somewhere other than where we are.

I finally get my legs to move and that little bit of action invigorates the rest of me. Sort of a delayed reaction adrenaline rush I guess. So I grab RayJ by the arm and push him back the way we came. Gloria is moving, but looking back at these refugees from Monster Mania, and that is another mistake. So I grab her and drag her, breaking her gaze, and we are pounding down the path as fast as our middle aged, under developed, under exercised, legs will take us. Not to mention our lungs, which start complaining in the first 50 feet. None of that matters because someone tackles me from behind. In fact we all get tackled, and sat on, by someone.

Here we are, face down in the dirt, dogs barking, and someone sitting on each of us, as more black arrows come whizzing by. You know I decided early on I really didn’t want one of those things parking itself anywhere in my body, and this is not helping me meet that goal. I get my head up and see this blond guy sitting over RayJ. He is all sharpie points, I swear. Pointy chin, pointy elbows, pointy knees, and long blond hair with a braid running from the side of his face over his pointy ear. And he is shooting arrows at the big, ugly guys. Hey, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?! Works for me! I swivel my head right towards Gloria and she has the same arrangement going on with a similar pointy person. It dawns on me that maybe these guys are elves. At least they look like pictures of elves that I have seen. Just bigger, and with bows and arrows. So what the hell are the big, ugly guys?

There are about 6 more pointy blond guys (at least I think they are all guys) shooting at the big, ugly ones. I guess pointy and blond is a dominant, genetic trait with this bunch. Then the shooting stops and the folks doing the sitting get up, and those of us being sat on can breathe again. I hear a voice right over me, and I have no idea what is being said but I roll over so I can see the speaker, and it is another one of the blond guys, but not quite as pointy looking. He holds out his hand, so obviously I am supposed to get up, which I do with his help.

I get up and start brushing off the dirt and Mr. Not So Pointy, tries to lead me towards that shimmer. Like HELL Buddy! That is not my home, and I am not real eager to step over the dead bodies sprawled all over the ground. I manage to pull loose as Gloria and RayJ realize what has happened.

“Oh My God!” shrieks Gloria. “They’re dead!”

“Dead bodies?” stammers RayJ. The dogs are crouching at his feet, totally whipped.

“Looks like,” I answer, my stomach churning.

Mr. Not So Pointy starts talking and gesturing towards the shimmer, which by the way is getting bigger. I look him straight in the eye, shake my head and say “NO” as forcefully as I can. I start to walk off towards the cars, and find the rest of the blond, pointy guys are pointing arrows in my direction. Did I mention that they also carried swords? At least it looked like a sword. These guys were ready to rumble, and they didn’t seem to care who they rumbled with. I look back towards Mr. Not So Pointy who has the air of a man supremely confident that he can work his will on the unwilling. Yeah, in a pig’s eye too.

I dead-eye Mr. Not So Pointy and say “NO” even more forcefully and turn around and start walking. He barks out something and just then, here come big, ugly reinforcements, arrows flying. Now we are all running for the parking lot. Not that the pointy, blond guys know where we are going. The three of us run to our respective vehicles, and then the fur really flies. The pointy ones may be great with arrows, but they don’t know from cars.

I am behind the driver’s seat on the Saturn, and as I start it up, an arrow lands in the right door panel. Plastic panels can’t protect you from honking huge arrows, believe it. But the suckers hit MY CAR! And then they made a fatal error, they landed an arrow in the hood of RayJ’s truck. The stream of invective coming out of that cab was priceless. RayJ has the baddest vehicle of all. He’s got that grill and he could take down some of these guys. And he is ready to do just that. You don’t mess with the man’s pride and joy.

RayJ is on my left, Gloria is on my right. I lower the driver’s window and holler at RayJ, “Open the driver’s door!”

“What?” he yells back.

“Open the driver’s door, use it as a wing and a shield. Let’s chase them down!”

He nods, he gets it. I can’t get Gloria’s attention, she is trying to back up and these big ugly guys are practically on us. So I hit the horn. Well that just about drops them in their tracks. The HORNS! YEAH!!

“RAYJ! Hit your horn!” RayJ does just that and the whole ugly crew turns and starts running back they way they came. Those custom horns were worth every penny he ever paid. Gloria roars off after them but I manage to cut in front and get RayJ on the point. And here we go back towards the shimmer. Honking our horns, RayJ turns on all his lights and gets the racers going too. The dogs are feeling their oats, and barking as if they really, really mean it. Of course the big ugly guys stop every so often to fire arrows, and some find their way into our vehicles. Fortunately they don’t hit anything essential. Including us.

And the pointy blond guys? They aren’t dumb blondes, that is for sure. Mr. Not So Pointy might not know from cars, but he knows a shield when he sees one. He wound up running behind my driver’s door (I took my own advice), firing the occasional arrow and wincing every time RayJ’s horns went off. Must have really hurt his ears, but he hung with us. His buddies gathered up behind RayJ and Gloria, firing away. The big ugly guys finally ran back into the shimmer and disappeared.

We pulled up, shut off the vehicles and declared victory. The dogs wouldn’t shut up, even after RayJ yelled at them. The shimmer kept shimmering, but at least it had stopped growing. RayJ and Gloria got out and started doing a dance, whooping and hollering. The pointy blond guys looked quite, shall we say perplexed? And Mr. Not So Pointy was holding his head and surveying the scene. Guess his ears were still hurting. I felt bad for him, he was trying to help after all.

So I lean over and with my best concerned tone and look I ask, “Are you OK?” I motion at his ears and he just gives me a look that tells me this has been a very bad day for him. Gloria and RayJ want me to celebrate, but all I can think of is that we have to get the bodies over to the other side, and I have no idea how to do that.

“What?! Move these bodies?” Gloria is just a little shocked.

But we grab one and start pulling, and Mr. Not So Pointy intervenes and has his crew drag all the bodies through the shimmer. That really gets me, they can move in and out of that shimmer but we can’t. I go up and touch it again, and it ripples and moves, but my hand never goes through. He is on the other side and reaches through to grab my hand. Then he tries to pull me in, and by golly it looks like it might work, but no way. I wuss out. I figure this doorway, portal, whatever, needs to shut down. I really don’t want anymore of the big ugly guys coming through. So I pull loose and wave ‘bye’. I think he understood that. Anyway, I stepped back and then flash and boom! and the shimmer was gone and the path was normal again.

Remember those storms? Well they picked that very minute to unload, complete with a microburst that came down and put out some pretty strong winds. Not to mention hail. Fortunately it was not very serious hail, but we were on the edge of the really bad stuff. We got right back into our vehicles and took off for the nearest Dunkin Donuts to hunker down I called my baby brother and got the location of the nearest Saturn dealer. So we all drove on down to the Saturn place, found out where the Jeep and Dodge dealers were, and got our cars checked out.

We won’t talk about the rolling eyes and barely concealed sniggers over the arrows protruding from the front of our cars like so many porcupine quills. The arrows got pulled, and I have a date with the local body guy (recommended by Saturn of course) to fix the damage. Never underestimate a four cylinder. For that matter, never underestimate a Saturn. Nothing but bodywork to do. The Jeep didn’t do badly either, or the Dodge. We went out after that and got rolling drunk at the Marriott at W150 and I-71. We got rooms for the occasion so we wouldn’t be a danger to anyone but ourselves. And we sure thought we were dangerous. After all, we kicked major alien something or other ass. Those pointy blonde guys? Well we quaffed several on their behalf, seeing as they couldn’t be with us.

RayJ was really hopping. You would have thought he had taken on the bad guys single handed and I wasn’t about to tell him he had help. In between shots of Wild Turkey 190 proof, on the rocks, he was rethinking the paint job for the Dodge. In fact he was rethinking the Dodge. I think he is headed for a Yukon with custom chrome, custom lights, custom horns, and a mural paint job with the ugly guys on it. All after market stuff that will cost, but hey, he’s single and it’s his baby. At those prices he should just spring for a Hummer. The dogs don’t seem the worse for wear, although they are more likely to bark at strangers than before. And bark like they really really mean it. Sure they do, right.

Gloria told me that Scott slept through it all. He was actually offended when she woke him up to see if he was still alive. He groused at her for quite a while about it, then went back to sleep. She stuck with Glenlivet and marveled at the adventure.

“Mary Sue, life around you is so interesting. Who did you piss off?” which was a backhanded reference to the so called curse “May you live in interesting times.” Yup, it was interesting alright. I could live with a little less interesting. Gloria is headed back south to a friend’s house. We are going to meet up later in the year and probably relive this again.

And me? Well, I would love to have Viper right now, but they don’t come with automatic shift. My Saturn will do. Maybe I will buy a new one, and get RayJ to help me trick it out in a custom paint job and lights. I just hope Mr. Not So Pointy is doing Ok. I wouldn’t mind meeting him again, but under different circumstances. He was kinda cute.

****

Haldir sat on the talan, his head in his hands, his ears still ringing from the awful racket the monster had made. He had never seen the like in all his life, and he had been around a long time. There was no explanation for what happened, and who would believe such a tale? Somehow the forest had given way to another forest and the people in that forest were friendly, but cohabited with huge, noisy, smelly, monsters. They actually sat in the monsters, which protected them. When the monsters barked it made his ears hurt. These people knew nothing of Orc, but they appreciated how dangerous the Orc were. He hoped whatever it was that made the other forest appear wasn’t some new deviltry of Sauron. That one female though, now she seemed to have spirit. If the forests joined again, hopefully she would be there to help. But he would have to find something to protect his ears if the monster started barking.