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THE FORTUNE TELLER
(A Painting in One Act)
by
Cat D’Arcy c 2001 All rights reserved
Time: Present, principally Christmas Eve, 11:00 p.m.
Setting: An old antique shop, selling more junk than antiques, somewhere in lower Manhattan.
Players:
Shop Owner: An old, bespectacled woman, who knows how old?
A Man: Early to mid-forties, Wall Street type, desperately seeking gifts at 11:00 p.m. Christmas Eve.
A Woman: Mid-to-late thirties, in evening wear, otherwise same as above.
The Painting: Portrait of a 16th century Fortune Teller, a dainty woman in rich gown, with Mona Lisa expression. In her right hand, she is holding up the Final Card, but doesn’t reveal it. The painting is situated behind and above the counter. The Old Woman sits below it, reading cards throughout the scene.
Scene opens with doorbell ringing and a Man rushes in…
MAN
Geez, some weather for a Christmas Eve, huh?
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
Man, I can’t believe I waited this long to do my shopping! When do you close?
OLD WOMAN
In about an hour, young man.
MAN
Young man?! Thank you, um, I guess I still have time…
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
Well… Wow, what’s this?!
OLD WOMAN
A 16th century rapier. Have you a use for such a weapon, or does a friend?
MAN
I could have USED it about an hour ago, on a friend! But never mind, that’s all over.
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
Yeah, I guess this, this…
OLD WOMAN
Rapier.
MAN
Yeah, this rapier won’t do. Let’s see…
OLD WOMAN
For whom is the gift intended, young man?
MAN
Well, there are my parents. Yeah, something really nice for them. Something to soften the blow…
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
So, what would you suggest? Silver, crystal, or… Hey, that painting!
OLD WOMAN
I have many paintings, young man, which one?
MAN
That one, above you!
WOMAN
I’m sorry, that is not for sale.
[Door bell rings, a young woman rushes in, prettily dressed for a party.]
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, my goodness! Such a nasty night for Christmas Eve. Excuse me, Ma’am, but how late are you open?
MAN
Excuse me, but I believe she is helping me!
OLD WOMAN
About another 30 minutes, young lady.
YOUNG WOMAN
No one has called me that in years! Or so. Thank you. And I apologize for interrupting. I’ll just look around.
[She goes to bin which holds old fashion fans.]
Maybe Denise would like one of these. She was always flirting with…
MAN
Please, Ma’am, how about the painting? My parents would love it. How much?
OLD WOMAN
I told you, young man, it’s not for sale. I do have others, from the same period.
MAN
No, no! It has to be that one! How much? You can put it on my charge card!
OLD WOMAN
Dear sir, I told you…
MAN
No charge card? Okay, I’ve got about $1000.00 in my wallet. $1,000 cash! How ‘bout it, Ma’am?
YOUNG WOMAN
Gosh, $1,000.00 in your wallet? Who carries $1,000 around?
MAN
Look, lady, I wasn’t speaking to you! Besides, don’t you have some party to go to?
YOUNG WOMAN
You don’t have to be so rude, and, yes, I do have a party. Not that it’s any of your business. I still need a hostess gift. Ah, maybe this!
[She pulls out the rapier.]
Sure, I can imagine Denise on the receiving end of this! But I suppose Neither Denise nor Ronald are worth the needle!
OLD WOMAN
No.
MAN
That’s a nice story, but I’m trying to do a deal here!
YOUNG WOMAN
Really? Well, it doesn’t sound like YOUR DEAL is going anywhere. The Proprietress doesn’t wish to sell you the piece. So, instead of whining, who don’t you find something else.
MAN
I don’t know who you think you are, but I’ve had just about enough!
[to OLD WOMAN]
My last offer, Ma’am. Otherwise I’m leaving.
YOUNG WOMAN
That’s right. Storm out when you can’t get your way! This IS the only place in Manhattan left open. So, stop with the tantrums already, and find your gift. Who’s it for, anyway, your parents?
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
What? Look, you, you, neophyte! All dressed up, and no place to go, huh? What happened? Your best friend took your man? And you still have to crawl over there to make nice-nice? And what will that leave you with, huh, Ms. All Style, No Substance?!
YOUNG WOMAN [ TO OLD WOMAN]
Don’t answer that!!!
[TO MAN]
Look at you, a young turk! Only it was you this time who got the shove out the door! And this painting! Why is it so important? Is it a bribe? That’s it! A bribe, so your parents won’t think you’re a total failure! Yes, I’m all dressed up, and, yes, I’m going, just to show them! So, I don’t you telling me I don’t matter! Not you, not Ronald, not anyone!
[She grabs the rapier, and raises it to strike him, then lowers it, shaking.]
MAN
Hey, hey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was way out of line!
YOUNG WOMAN
It’s alright, really. I took so pretty cheap shots. I’m sorry. But you know, I do I look pretty good with this, this…
MAN
Rapier, 16th Century. And yeah, damn good!
YOUNG WOMAN
Thanks. Say, it’s three minutes to twelve! If you’re going to get your parents something, you better hurry.
MAN
Geez, you’re right! What do you think about silver?
YOUNG WOMAN
Nah, polishing and all that… How ‘bout this lovely bowl, Art Nouveau, right?
OLD WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
I think they will love it. And what about that black feathered fan you were holding?
YOUNG WOMAN
What? For Denise?
MAN
Sure, we can’t go empty-handed now, can we? C’mon, let’s get our things and get out of here. It’s Christmas! And, I believe the Proprietress wants to close!
OLD WOMAN [Holding the Final Card up in her right hand, but doesn’t reveal it.]
Yes!
BLACKOUT
CURTAIN
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